Damn

I guess this makes it official. 

Mr. Matson,

We are happy to announce you as the newest member of Lazy Buck Records family!  Congratulations…

Blah, blah, blah.

After being so unceremoniously (see Ali, I do know a big word or two) dropped by my last record label last summer (and on my birthday, the bastards), I have finally finagled myself a new home.

So, now this means I have to start working again.

Damn.

Oh well, Cookie will survive without me home all the time (stop dancing, dammit!).  After all, Rory’s three now and Raynie will be a year at the end of the month so…

Hold on…

How the hell did my BABY get to be a YEAR OLD?  My gods, why didn’t Ali warn me that she was gonna grow up?  Rory, okay, he needs it, but not my little baby girl… NO!

Sorry, got sidetracked there.  Nothing that a smack  upside the head can’t fix, right Cookie?

Anyway, I’m just happy to finally have a job again.  Was feelin’ awfully guilty having my wife support me and all…  But seriously, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make music and to not be able to do that, well, it’s been hard on me.  Now I can.  And not just in the shower any more.

Yay me!

<~~ Blake (Ali says that’s my devil tail ya’ll)

Topless Bull Riding?

Really.

You’d be amazed by not only #1) the things that Blake has discovered in his time off ‘work’ but also #2) the things he’s able to coerce me into once he’s discovered him.

Damn him and his big blue eyes anyway!

So, there we were, on New Year’s Eve, hanging out at a local place we frequent (although, not so frequently these days, kids and all) when they announce the evening’s entertainment.  Yeah, you guessed it – Topless Bull Riding.

The first was rather good; you could tell she was a professional.  Professional what I’m not going to even contemplate, but she was much better than the second.  Those fake boobs just don’t bounce like the real thing.

The second, she was definitely an amateur.  Twelve too many shots o’tequila, I’m thinking.  And damn, we’re all lucky someone didn’t lose an eye by the time she was finished.

Next year, I’m thinking we’ll stay home with the kids.  Or, should we decide to venture out, I’m so not letting him pick the activity.

~A slack-jawed and wide-eyed Allyson 

If You Only Knew the Truth...

Dear Ali,
Here is your horoscope for Sunday, January 4:

You're trying to keep cool about some topic of importance to you, but it may be tough. There's really only so much you can do to keep from blurting out the truth to the wrong people.

And now you want to know my secret, don't you?  Go on, admit it.  It's okay. 

Sigh…

But it’s sooooooo true, and Blake, you know it!

Rory, in an effort to keep Houdini from escaping yet again (won’t get into that or you might just see an offer for  a free hamster), decided to try and ‘ham-proof’ the cage. 

What?  He’s only three?  Yeah, I know.  but he is his father’s child.

I found rubber bands, paper clips, Kleenex, and a bandana, among other things, strapped, tied, and taped to the cage.  that poor little hamster.   He did his toddler best to jury rig that thing  closed. 

Too bad he doesn’t understand that’s not how she’s been getting out.

To make matters worse, Blake encourages him.  Constantly.  So, he struts around in his tiny camo pants, mini cowboy boots, and baby flannel, swaggering just like his freaking daddy, and grinning at me.  I’m so gonna be in trouble in about two years, once he starts putting real sentences together.  *sigh*   I’m counting the days until I hear him tell his sister, “Whatever, Cookie, but you OWE me…”

Why me?  Why couldn’t he have been *gasp* more like his Mama?  In this case, it’d almost be worth it.  Having Blake is bad enough when he’s on a roll.  But a Mini-Blake too?  Lawd help me.

Please?

But, on the other hand, he DOES have his daddy’s wild curls, his blue blue eyes, and that damn intoxicating smile.  *sigh*  I just can’t win, can I?

~Ali, helpless and resigned

When Shopping Carts Attack

Or, how I got arrested in Toys ‘R’ Us

I swear, no matter how hard I try to be good, the gods are working against me.

Case in point: I manage to get a few minutes away from the children (thank you Grandma Rogan) and make it a point to get some early shopping done. So, I head out to Toys R Us and battle the maniacs. I’m standing in an aisle, looking over some stuffed animals (sorry honey, but they ARE still kids) when my cart slams into my side.

I look up, apology on my lips, thinking I hadn’t pulled my cart in beside me and was blocking the aisle. I HATE when people do that, so if I got slammed for blocking the aisle, okay. But when I look up, I meet the blue eyes of my arch nemesis, a.k.a. The Ex. Yeah, Leslie. In MY Toys R Us. Why the hell couldn’t she have stayed in Tennessee? I mean really, no reason for her to be here after all. She’s the one who foisted her child off on his daddy and never looked back. What the hell kind of trouble could she be stirring up now?

All I know is that I’m not putting up with this crap.

“Oooops,” she falsely apologizes, batting her fake eyelashes at me in a parody of remorse.

“Whatever, Leslie, now go away.” I turned my back and reached for a large stuffed moose before I smacked the crap out of her anyway. Forgive and forget, I always had to remind myself. Besides, not only did I have her man, I had her son too. When I was slammed in the hip a second time by my errant cart, I lost it. “What the fuck are you doing?” I bellowed, much to the astonished horror of a mother or two on the adjacent aisle.

She batted her plastic eyelashes at me again. “Don’t look at me, the cart did it.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, “all on its little lonesome too, I’m sure.”

Leslie grinned at me in a saccharine sweet sort of way and nudged her cart against my leg one more time. I dropped the moose into my cart and reached for the closest item. A life-sized stuffed baseball bat and swung, smacking her in the head. Being almost a foot taller than she, and a hell of a lot stronger, she flew backwards and landed on her little round ass, fuming. “You’ll get it for that,” she spat.

“Whatever,” I replied, pushing my cart off the animal aisle and went in search of a video game for my brother, the eternal child.

Security apprehended me on the Lego aisle and now Blake’s refusing to bail me out. Oh well, Shana said she’d be right over, I heard her in the background. She at least gets it, even if I won’t be getting any until my Cowboy calms down. But I’ve gotta admit… it was SO worth it.

And hey, don’t look at me, the stuffed bat did it all.