Hell's Bells

My mood today is pretty crappy. I crawled out of bed and managed not to wake Blake up. That’s a first. He usually cracks an eye when I drag myself out of his arms and makes an attempt to sweet-talk me back into bed with him. I can’t tell you how hard it is some mornings to tell him no.

Like today.

But I knew I had to work, and I knew too, that it was finally time to take fate into my hands. My appointment with Dr. Eddie *cough* Sorry, with Dr. Steele, had been cancelled and rescheduled for ten days from now since it ‘wasn’t an emergency’. Well hell’s bells. I think it’s an emergency. Knowing whether I’m pregnant or not sure as hell qualifies in my book.

But I digress. Since my appointment was cancelled yesterday, I stopped on my way home last night and bought a test. Better than nothing, right? And I haven’t had one lie to me yet.

So, picture this: me sneaking around the bedroom at four in the morning, praying he stays asleep long enough for me to take this damn pee test and get it over with. For better or for worse. Once I’d dug it out of it’s hiding place, off I went.

I was wrong. I was disappointed. Not half as disappointed as I would have been a month ago, but disappointed all the same. I got one lousy line. ONE!

Negative.

We still have Rory, and I love that little boy, mine or not, but right now that just doesn’t seem like enough. I know I should give it time, we’ve only been married a couple months, but I just don’t want to wait any more. I’ve waited all my life for him, and ten long years for another chance at a baby of my own. Why should I have to wait any longer?

But that’s just me being selfish. I can wait; I just don’t want to.

I went to toss the test in the trash and thought better of it. Wrapping it in the plastic it came in, I stuffed it into my pocket and guiltily kissed my man good-bye. He gives me a half-hearted protest and falls back to sleep. For sex, he’d manage to stay awake. But not for much else.

And now here I sit, wondering what I’m going to do. I realize now that I forgot to hide the box. I just took the test. Ah, I just might have some explaining to do anyway.

But my question is this… if by some fluke of fate he doesn’t find the box do I tell him anyway? Or do I protect him from the disappointment he felt the last time by not saying a word? I’d never seen such hurt as I did that afternoon all those months ago. I don’t ever want to hurt him like that again.

So, what’s my best option? I sure as hell don’t know.

~Ali