Monday, April 16, 2007


I sit and watch as he moves around the room. I often wonder why he’s still here. He’d had better options by far. The one that came before me was younger, prettier, and more in tune with what he did on a daily basis.

She knew his need for freedom; how he couldn’t stand to be held back, even if he was being held in the grip of love. She knew how his only schedule could be complete chaos, while I have a need for more stringent timeframes. She knew and understood the rowdiness, the drunkenness, the obnoxious little boy attitude.

She was anything but right for him, she was straight-up wrong for my Cowboy, but she had so much more to offer him than I do. She was living his dream right alongside him while I can’t ever grasp how it feels to be who he is. Can’t let go enough to allow him to be truly free.

Me, I want to shake him silly, snap him into reality. Make him grow up and be the man I know he can be. I need him to be the man he’s hiding.

But as I sit here, with his son in my arms, I understand that that is not who he is. And it’s not who I want him to be. How could I? That’s not the man I fell so helplessly for.

I can see him looking at me now, wondering how long I’ve been watching him. He has no idea how often I do this, how much I sit and stare and wonder and dream. About him and who he could be; about who he really truly is.

The more I watch; the more I understand. The more I understand; the harder I fall.

I live my life in a constant state of falling… falling in love over and over again.

I just fear the moment I finally hit bottom.

~full of Mixed Emotions,


Alana said...

all I can say is AWWWWW, how sweet! I know the feeling of falling. Shawn said something the other day that wasn't meant to be mean but kinda brought back old demons. Anyway, I cried, he got mad at himself cause I cried. That's the kinda thing that made me fall for him and why I keep falling further.

Ali said...

I know just what you mean. :) Too much hiding in the past that's closer than we think it is. Getting a baby dropped into my lap and then another possibly dropped... well, ya know... it kinda brings those old horrors back for me too. But watching him try and fold teeny little shirts and onesies? And failing miserably? That is priceless.

Alana said...

I do that a lot watching Shawn with the boys, one of them almost called him Daddy the other day, then caught himself and said Shawn instead. You know it made Shawn's day, he's been more of a father in the past year than Idiot was in 10 years.