Hell's Bells

My mood today is pretty crappy. I crawled out of bed and managed not to wake Blake up. That’s a first. He usually cracks an eye when I drag myself out of his arms and makes an attempt to sweet-talk me back into bed with him. I can’t tell you how hard it is some mornings to tell him no.

Like today.

But I knew I had to work, and I knew too, that it was finally time to take fate into my hands. My appointment with Dr. Eddie *cough* Sorry, with Dr. Steele, had been cancelled and rescheduled for ten days from now since it ‘wasn’t an emergency’. Well hell’s bells. I think it’s an emergency. Knowing whether I’m pregnant or not sure as hell qualifies in my book.

But I digress. Since my appointment was cancelled yesterday, I stopped on my way home last night and bought a test. Better than nothing, right? And I haven’t had one lie to me yet.

So, picture this: me sneaking around the bedroom at four in the morning, praying he stays asleep long enough for me to take this damn pee test and get it over with. For better or for worse. Once I’d dug it out of it’s hiding place, off I went.

I was wrong. I was disappointed. Not half as disappointed as I would have been a month ago, but disappointed all the same. I got one lousy line. ONE!

Negative.

We still have Rory, and I love that little boy, mine or not, but right now that just doesn’t seem like enough. I know I should give it time, we’ve only been married a couple months, but I just don’t want to wait any more. I’ve waited all my life for him, and ten long years for another chance at a baby of my own. Why should I have to wait any longer?

But that’s just me being selfish. I can wait; I just don’t want to.

I went to toss the test in the trash and thought better of it. Wrapping it in the plastic it came in, I stuffed it into my pocket and guiltily kissed my man good-bye. He gives me a half-hearted protest and falls back to sleep. For sex, he’d manage to stay awake. But not for much else.

And now here I sit, wondering what I’m going to do. I realize now that I forgot to hide the box. I just took the test. Ah, I just might have some explaining to do anyway.

But my question is this… if by some fluke of fate he doesn’t find the box do I tell him anyway? Or do I protect him from the disappointment he felt the last time by not saying a word? I’d never seen such hurt as I did that afternoon all those months ago. I don’t ever want to hurt him like that again.

So, what’s my best option? I sure as hell don’t know.

~Ali

Wow

Interesting. Sitting here catching up on some paperwork and listening to the radio. Lady DJ just made a comment about how my Cowboy is apparently no longer dating his ex-psycho, Leslie.

Huh.

Imagine that. Never figured a ring and a child to stop a man from seeing a girl.

*snort*

Color me surprised. And sarcastic; I know him better than that. Just thought the DJ’s observation amusing since they’ve been apart for quite some time now. Let’s try about as long as *I* have been *in* his life.

Gotta love the media. Always a day late and a dollar short. *laughs* I guess it doesn’t help that he’s been keeping our marriage – and most certainly his child – on the lowdown.

I guess we could always add snotty to my list of traits.

~Yours Always, Sarcastic, Snotty, and Surprised, Ali

Men

So, now we have a baby in the house. Wow.

After delivering Cowboy’s ex-wife to the airport, the three of us spent a few days at my sometimes home in Nevada before packing up and returning to DC, where I needed to be so I could go back to work. I begged a couple extra days off so we could go furniture shopping and, considering the situation, they let me.

Blake managed to find a really nice oak set: cradle, crib, dresser, the whole shebang, that he shelled out a small fortune for. I tried to stop him, but he ignored me rather effectively. I guess it’s his way of apologizing for leaving me with his kid. I found some sheets and such, but we couldn’t agree on a bedding set. I figured that it was warm enough not to worry about and that I could go looking once he hit the road again.

No such luck.

I came home from work after my first day back, to find Blake, on the couch, grinning up at me. Curious, I asked him what he was so happy about. His only answer was, “Follow me.”

So. I follow him back to our son’s new room and almost wet myself laughing. Sometime during the day, he’d managed to go out, baby in tow, to find a freakin’ camouflage bedding set. Green everywhere. Add to the bedding, a camo lampshade, a deer-shaped nightlight and a stuffed bass. And this from the man who told me he was going to burn every green article of clothing I owned.

Why me?

He also found an entire camo outfit for Rory, shirt, pants, hat and socks. Then, then he informs me he’s ordered wooden deer for the walls. They’ll be here in a week. Hell, why not, right? All the kid’s missing is a freakin’ tree stand to sit in when he’s bored.

Guess I’m going to be painting the nursery walls green next weekend.

Huh? What was that? Oh gods…

I’ve just been informed that he’s also ordered tree camo wallpaper. *smacks head into desktop*

Now I’m really dreading my doctor’s appointment next week. I don’t think the world is ready for two mini-Blakes.

Falling

I sit and watch as he moves around the room. I often wonder why he’s still here. He’d had better options by far. The one that came before me was younger, prettier, and more in tune with what he did on a daily basis.

She knew his need for freedom; how he couldn’t stand to be held back, even if he was being held in the grip of love. She knew how his only schedule could be complete chaos, while I have a need for more stringent timeframes. She knew and understood the rowdiness, the drunkenness, the obnoxious little boy attitude.

She was anything but right for him, she was straight-up wrong for my Cowboy, but she had so much more to offer him than I do. She was living his dream right alongside him while I can’t ever grasp how it feels to be who he is. Can’t let go enough to allow him to be truly free.

Me, I want to shake him silly, snap him into reality. Make him grow up and be the man I know he can be. I need him to be the man he’s hiding.

But as I sit here, with his son in my arms, I understand that that is not who he is. And it’s not who I want him to be. How could I? That’s not the man I fell so helplessly for.

I can see him looking at me now, wondering how long I’ve been watching him. He has no idea how often I do this, how much I sit and stare and wonder and dream. About him and who he could be; about who he really truly is.

The more I watch; the more I understand. The more I understand; the harder I fall.

I live my life in a constant state of falling… falling in love over and over again.

I just fear the moment I finally hit bottom.

~full of Mixed Emotions,
Ali

Holy Frak Batman!

Oh my god… Blake goes missing for two weeks only to reappear last night with a SIX MONTH OLD IN TOW!! I mean I’m glad he’s still breathing and all, but what next? Really?

Turns out the baby was his and he never knew it. She never bothered to tell him either. That is, until she got tired of Mom-Duty and decided to dump it all on him.

What the hell?

So now it’s up to me to raise a child that’s not even mine. How do I get into these situations? When I signed on for this relationship, I knew I’d be raising him and possibly any kids we might have… but his ex-psycho-girlfriend’s baby? Hell no.

But here I am, with little Rory Lane in my lap, and I can’t help but love him. He’s a sweet baby with a pleasant temperament. He has his daddy’s big blue eyes and irresistible smile. And hell, he is just a baby. None of this drama is his fault.

And again… how do I get stuck in these situations? If my Cowboy had a normal job, this wouldn’t be such a big deal. We could work something out… But, he’s on the road close to 300 days a year. How am I supposed to do this alone?

Damn him anyway.

*sigh*

And now I think I may be pregnant too. God help me, I think I need my head checked.

Mama, aka Ali

What the Hell?

It's been almost two weeks... and no word from my Cowboy. I know that his schedule is hectic, but he always makes time to at least send me a text message with "I'm still breathing" or something similar so I at least know...

But it's been two weeks with nothing. I called after a few days just in case. No answer. I've left a few messages and still nothing. And now I'm starting to get worried.

And that's not a good thing by any means.

I'm not a worrier by nature. The damn government bred that out of me a long time ago. I only worry about now and not then or tomorrow. There's no use. Yesterday is past and I'll only see tomorrow if I'm lucky.

Sooo...

Back to Blake. What's he up to now? And the real question...

Should I be worried?

Your confused Ali